In the Spotlight: N.D. Chan
After the death of her father, young N.D. Chan is sent to live with her grandparents in China. Returning to America after nearly six years, Chan finds herself disconnected from American culture and her newly remarried mother. Navigating her place in a new home and new family, Chan searches for a way to reconcile her American and Chinese identity, her biological and blended families, her history and herself. “Saved as Draft” is Chan’s collection of writings from her life’s search. Told in prose and poetry, Saved as Draft captures the tumultuous feelings of adolescence and the sharp messiness of growing up.
I spoke with Chan via email where we discussed the process of writing her memoir, writing through fear, forming identity, and growing up as a queer, Chinese American woman.
Saved as Draft is a memoir told through letters, notes, and poetry. You describe it as being “inspired by the words that never made it to the recipient.'“ What is your writing process? How has Saved as Draft evolved from its early stages to publication?
I usually like to start with freewriting sessions using prompts such as photos or song lyrics. These help me discover new topics and angles when I'm unsure of where to begin. The earlier versions of my book had more traditional structures and narration. Through my freewriting exercises, I saw a new pattern emerge. I noticed that I was able to write more freely through unconventional forms, so I chose to stick with that style. It was also a more accurate reflection of the nature of my memories -- fleeting and obscure.
In the vignette “Procrastination” you say, “ Never procrastinate out of fear again.” What is your advice to writers who are fearful of sharing their work? How did you overcome your own fears?
I think most writers are fearful of sharing their work! Working on a memoir was such an emotional process for me, as it often is for others as well. Apart from receiving criticism of the writing itself, there's also a sense of insecurity around your past experiences. I'd catch myself thinking, "I don't want them to judge my life and the decisions I've made." It took me a long time to realize that on the other side of fear is a body of work worth sharing.
Disconnection is a recurring theme throughout Saved as Draft. From your relationship with your biological parents to your step family, and your Chinese and American cultures. How do you think we come to form our sense of identity when personal or cultural history is elusive? Can we exist apart from these elements?
When I was growing up on Long Island, it was difficult for me to form a sense of identity and fill in those gaps on my own. I often wanted to be more American and try to blend in with my peers so that I wouldn't get picked on in school. So I paid close attention to what the other kids would say, or wear, or eat. At the same time, there was always a curiosity about others who were like me. I would find myself looking to mainstream media for my identity as a queer, Asian American female, especially in my teenage years. But the authentic representations didn't seem to exist back then. I am happy to see that we are finally beginning to show diversity in music, film, and elsewhere. It's so important for minorities, especially adolescents, to be able to see a reflection of themselves in the media.
You say on page 121 that writing is the “only real escape you’ve consistently had throughout your life” and elsewhere you chronicle serious entanglements with self-destructive behavior and addictions. What role has writing played in your journey to healing or recovery?
Writing has helped me get through so many challenging times in my life. Growing up, I was more introverted than my peers, and talking about my feeling with friends and family didn't feel right to me. Actually, it's still something I'm working on! But I have never had trouble writing about my experiences, especially if I didn't have the pressure to share it. I always felt safe when I was writing. Being able to share the work with others has provided a whole new sense of purpose for me.
As a writer who is female, Chinese American, and queer, do you feel a responsibility to engage all of these intersections in your writing?
I try to write stories that are most authentic to me. It's difficult to include all facets of my identity in every piece that I create, and there are times when it isn't appropriate to do so. For example, in Saved as Draft, the boundaries between the stories of my family versus my romantic relationships are made clear, as they separated by different sections in the book. My approach to presenting myself as a queer woman is to normalize my relationships rather than going the conventional route of telling my coming out story. Even though it's an important part of my identity, it doesn't change the way I deal with common relationship milestones like falling in love, falling out of love and grieving the loss.
Saved as Draft is a compilation of work that spans years of your life. What current projects are you working on?
I am currently working on a couple of essays about dating in the LGBT+ community. The first draft of my novel will be completed by next summer!
What writers or works have been most influential in your life?
Oh gosh, there are so many! The most recent works include Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls by T Kira Madden, Women by Chloe Caldwell, and Where The Past Begins by Amy Tan. I am also inspired by other creative mediums, including music. A lot of Halsey's songs resonated with me while I was working on my book.
N.D. Chan is the author of SAVED AS DRAFT. She discovered her passion for writing while attending Sarah Lawrence College. Chan lives in Brooklyn with her partner and their Bichon-Poodle. Learn more about her work on savedasdraft.com.
About Karla Derus
Karla Derus is a lifelong reader and writer. She has a B.A. in English and a Master's in Afro-American studies from UCLA. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times and Gawker. Originally from Seattle, she loves rainy days, strong coffee, and finely sharpened pencils. She is perpetually at work on her first novel and lives in Los Angeles with her husband. You can find her on Instagram @loveplantsandpages.