Matriarch Mental Health Writing Motivation
If asked what kind of writer I am, I always respond I am a mental health writer. Sharing my struggles is because I want others not to feel as alone as I did. My grandmothers suffered from mental health problems, mainly depression. Sometimes I feel like this was an heirloom passed down to me that I never asked for, but somehow it doesn't care what I want.
I was that misfit child no one could understand. I didn't fit into the classroom cliques and stuck out so severely even the teachers bullied me in school. I didn't care to fit in, though, because no one seemed to relate to me. I remember wondering if my thoughts owned me. I remember wondering if I was screaming in my head if it broke through my skull as a sound of steam from a kettle. I couldn't reason myself out of situations where my mind tumbled like rocks loosened from a hill with erosion.
I was hard on myself growing up as a kid into a teenager and now an adult. My self-critical voice was always in the background, commenting about how I could have done something better. Anxiety is another part of me that lives with me in my life. I try to find the best words to describe it, and I'd say electricity mated with fire ants dancing on my skin.
Even though I live with anxiety, I've been told I don't appear anxious when performing poetry. I want to say thank you, but I guess this is how I bury how I feel so well no one knows the truth. I tend to be rather laid back easy-going, and my intuition is heightened to take care of people before myself. I will sense someone is nervous in person and try to break the ice of anxiety by making them laugh.
It isn't even a thought I come across. I need to let this person know they aren't alone in their anxiety. It's as natural for me as breathing. I would try to be the mediator as a child without knowing I was doing it. I see that tremble foot and earthquake knees. I know that tremor behind your voice when you're nervous and performing poetry. I try my best to show people that it is a form of bravery to get up on a stage and use your voice to tell your story.
Sometimes I say to myself. I don't always need to write about my mental health or grandmothers. But, I see that depression follows family lines and that we aren't talking enough about this and how to take away the shame behind admitting you struggle with it.
I see other people with anxiety that they cover so well no one has a clue about it. I've met people who use their intuition to understand I am struggling without ever saying a word about it.
I would challenge you to write about what your mind says that no one knows about except you. I would challenge you to speak about what mental health looks like in your life right now and how you could break the silence behind it. I know I don't have to write about my struggles, about my grandmothers and their fierce beauty. One I never met, but the other I still see her in every bird I pass along a trail, especially hummingbirds.
I see my grandmother fighting depression and it being a secret we keep. I don't want that for anyone anymore. I want us to have a bad day, and instead of replying good to the question of how are you, we can admit that our day wasn't the best. But we're still alive, and that is an accomplishment in itself most days for me.
About Sarah Bellum Mental
Sarah Bellum Mental looks to amplify her voice for those who need a voice to speak on tough subjects. She provides workshops to access creativity for writers. She is an author of two poetry books taking orders now. Her IG is: SarahMentalPoet and Website for all info is www.sarahbellummental.com She will be competing in WOWPS 2022 in Baltimore and in Slam Mania III with Write About Now Poetry, January 2022.