How to Commit to a Healthy Relationship with Your Writing
I am in a committed, long-term relationship with my writing. There, I said it. I am deeply in love with and securely attached to my writing, and while it’s a different kind of love and attachment than what I experience with my children and my significant other, it’s as real. And it’s as important.
For writers, just to do our work can feel like an endless battle of negotiating and justifying our time and space. In a culture that prioritizes product over process, the act of writing is often an undervalued endeavor. If we aren’t intentional about centering our writing lives, they can easily be overtaken by our day-to-day commitments to things that are both rewarding and draining–family commitments, social activities, an email thread about a doodle poll to schedule a staff meeting that will likely get canceled the day before anyway (cue the cycle of email thread to plan the best time to schedule the next doodle poll), a continuous imagination game with your 7 year-old in which you are both the teacher and the doctor and she is a Secret First Grade Witch who accidentally turns all of her classmates into mermaid vampires who attack each other in a mad dash to get to the sea before they lose their powers, but make sure you take off your glasses before you switch from being their teacher to giving them medical care, otherwise the game could get confusing.
There are so many ways to spend our time and for writers the “invisible” work of the writing process can easily be dismissed as less than urgent.
A few years ago, I experienced an unexpected season of personal loss and grief that ultimately pushed me toward transformation. One of the things that emerged from this time was the realization that my attachment system was in need of deep repair. I’d spent a lifetime engaged in a cycle of building walls to avoid intimacy and secure attachment. The process of healing my attachment system and understanding my specific needs in relationship not only allowed me to actually feel secure attachment with a partner for the first time in my adult life, but it also brought to the surface something that has changed my writing life forever–
I am in a committed, long-term relationship with my writing. It is my longest relationship and so often has been my truest love. And in just the same way I am intentional about the attention I give to my significant other, I owe it to my writing relationship to attend to our intimacy and attachment. This is true for me and maybe it is for you too. Maybe positioning your writing as one of the central attachments in your life will strengthen your relationship to it as well, and make it easier to prioritize the care and attention it needs. Here are some things to try:
Acknowledge your commitment. Say it out loud. Write it down. You are in a committed, long-term relationship with your writing.
Focus on building secure attachment. Writing can be a source of so much doubt and instability–rejections and bad reviews and creative blocks abound. When we have secure attachment in our relationships we work through those doubts by anchoring into the safety of our bond. A rejection here and there doesn’t mean our relationship is ending. You’re not going anywhere. Your writing isn’t going anywhere. Remind yourself.
Communicate directly. This one might feel a little “out there” as they say, but I’ve found it actually works. Sometimes when I’m frustrated with the thing I’m writing I just…communicate that. I write it down. I feel like we’re stuck here. What are we getting at? Do we even want to be writing this? What should we do next? This kind of forthright communication reminds me that I’m not isolated in the process. I’m in relationship with it.
Set boundaries. Like all healthy relationships your writing needs balance. Take some time to think about your needs in your writing relationship and then set boundaries. How much time can you give to your writing? Do you have interests outside of your writing relationship? When do you need space from it?
Create Joy. In the Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron highlights the important practice of “artist dates”–taking time by yourself to do a leisurely activity just for the artist in you. Your writing relationship needs time for play and delight. I’ve found that setting aside a small amount of time every week to “take my writer on a date” has really eased some of the weight that can build from the pressure of writing and has created more space to just enjoy my writing relationship.
Remember–no relationship is perfect. It takes patience and time to build healthy attachments. But most importantly, it takes commitment. And love. Your writing deserves it.
