Ways to Process and Embrace Rejection as a Writer
As much as it stings, rejection is a healthy part of our overall life experience. As a writer, rejection is a core part of my life. Much of my work in this area involves sending pieces or pitches for work and awaiting responses.
‘At this time, this wasn’t for us’ are some of the ickiest words to land in my inbox, but they do land there. Multiple times a week. As I’ve become hardier at using these rejections to improve myself as a writer, the emails have gotten easier to handle (marginally). Getting comfortable with rejection might feel like a difficult process, but it’s one well worth investing in.
During the midst of some of my harshest rejection experiences, close ones have often reached out with every single positive platitude they could get their hands on:
It wasn’t meant to be.
Something better is waiting around the corner.
Nothing good gets away.
It was the wrong timing.
While I appreciate the beauty in these sentiments and I know how well-meant they are, let’s just acknowledge that when we’re caught in the cold-snap of rejection no one really wants to hear them. Over time, as the sting of our rejection begins to melt away these are great words to turn to. They can form an important part of developing an internal practice of learning to better cope with rejection.
The key for me here is the acknowledgment that they are part of a larger practice. Adhering to words like these alone won’t see you taking ownership of the things you want in life. Leaving our core desires and life goals to some fatalistic notion of ‘nothing good gets away’ will also leave you facing a loop of rejection.
So what do some of the other parts of the practice of processing rejection?
3 Ways to Process Rejection
Many of us will have learned ways of handling rejection that we return to again and again. Some of these will be good and others may need to be tweaked or kicked out altogether to enable us to switch from ‘coping with rejection’ to ‘thriving from rejection’.
1. Don’t Turn to Denial
Every rejection we feel in life, we feel. Turning to denial in the face of rejection keeps us bonded to internal fears around our self-worth and value. It keeps us bonded to the fear of pain so we forget — or don’t allow room for — our full capacity to recover and learn from the experience.
I have been guilty of turning to denial on multiple occasions and all it did was keep me locked in more dangerous emotions of loneliness and sadness. Building the muscle to process rejection requires patience, practice, and acknowledgment of how we’re feeling. Even simply saying ‘I was really hopeful about this and it sucks it hasn’t worked out’ or ‘This actually sucks’ are healthy ways to push through denial and into acceptance.
Owning our emotional experiences is key to processing them.
2. Stay Curious About How You Feel
Avoiding or denying rejection removes our openness to, and capacity to endure, our own vulnerability.
Acknowledging rejection as an emotional state allows us to move into a deeper piece of work: the process of understanding why we’re feeling what we feel.
This can be a beautiful, albeit uncomfortable, space to sit within. It usually means examining the most vulnerable parts of ourselves and understanding why the current experience of rejection has opened up an internal emotional wound or two. Maintaining curiosity throughout this process is important, not least because it steers us away from shaming thoughts such as:
‘I knew I was no good and this proves it.’
‘It was ridiculous of me to aim so high.’
‘I’m not made for good things in life.’
Staying curious about yourself and how you feel returns you back to a state of exploration, openness, empathy, and kindness. Approaching rejection with ‘Why’ leading the way opens you up to growth and building that coping muscle.
3. Seek Out Feedback
Rejection is simply part of the writer package, and a lot of the time there’s no strong reason for it. I often get rejection slips that offer me no other feedback other than ‘it wasn’t for us at this time’ and while it’s frustrating, I know I have to let it go.
A lot of the time rejection comes down to not having researched where you’re pitching to enough, the personal feelings of the editor who happens to read your work, or that they already published something too similar quite recently. Do your due diligence and make sure you’re giving your work the best chance for publication.
If you get the opportunity, always seek feedback - many editors are all too happy to offer a nugget or two, and I’ve always found these words help me improve for the better.
Don’t fear feedback.
Embracing Rejection
Learning to embrace rejection allows us to build a clearer picture of our own truth and values in life. It’s a calling card for personal growth and its sting helps to inform us of the changes we might be able to make to move us closer to pursuing the things that help us live along that truth.
Building our rejection coping muscle helps us learn how to respect ourselves while still allowing our bold and daring writing - and heart - out into the world.
